What Story are you Telling Yourself?

This week I'm a bit obsessed with stories and story-telling and about how the stories we tell ourselves ABOUT ourselves and our situations impact not only us, but those around us.

When a coaching client comes to me asking for help with confidence, leading teams, managing time, etc., I often find that they've told themselves a negative story about their ability to be effective in these areas. Sometimes an entire problem can be solved simply by exploring the story, breaking down its parts and where it came from, and restructuring it into a positive story.

This isn't a "look for the silver lining" pep-talk. When I ask "What story are you telling yourself about that situation?" my clients often realize how much control they have over their own situations.

One of my clients, a senior executive in a bank, came to me seeking to improve his leadership skills so that, ultimately, he could move into the next level of his career. He is a kind, warm and compassionate leader, more prone to quiet influence rather than self-promotion. Simply put, he was easy to overlook because he blended into the background.

He expressed that his perspective of the problem was that he lacked confidence. When I asked him what story he was telling himself about his confidence, he replied "I'm afraid to take a chance, to speak out, because that's just not how I'm wired. If I speak out, I'll get the wrong attention and get fired."

As we delved further, I questioned the truth of his statement. He admitted that he was unlikely to get fired, but might be criticized. I asked, "and what if you are criticized?" His story continued, "if I'm criticized, it will prove to me that I'm not smart enough to work at the next level." Again, I questioned the truth of his statement and asked him to give me examples of the work to be done at the next level and where he felt he would fall short.

By the end of the conversation, he was realizing that the only "truths" holding him back were of his own making and that, indeed, they weren't really "truth".

Have you used a story to self-sabotage?